They Met in Paris…

Ok, admittedly that title doesn’t really mean anything, but I have a weakness for putting something odd for a title. (In case you haven’t noticed.)

During the Easter weekend I actually did go to Paris, but contrary to what the title above might suggest I didn’t meet the love of my life or anything. In fact I met up with my sister (who’s studying in another city in France) and we spent the weekend sightseeing and chatting.

The weekend started Thursday when I took a fast train down to Paris (3.5 hours. I have to say it’s quite neat to be able to go to another country in that kind of time. Especially considering that 3.5 hours is usually the time it takes me to travel just between my mom’s town and my dad’s back in Sweden.) Anyway, I arrived in Paris and had to find my way to the hotel at the other side of the city, where I was going to meet my sister. Did I mention I don’t speak any French?
So, me being the lackwit I am sometimes of course I manage to get on the metro in the wrong direction. (I realised this the moment the doors were closing. Way to go…) I had to travel one stop in the wrong direction and then I jumped up and went across and took the metro in the correct direction. (Feeling very smart, naturally.) Once I got off close to where the hotel should be I wasn’t sure where I was. In fact, I thought I was at a certain spot on the little map I had printed of the neighbourhood where the hotel was, so I walked in the direction the hotel would be according to the map.
Of course I didn’t realise that I actually wasn’t where I thought on the map, and I went in the completely wrong direction. Finally I managed to figure it out, only to find out that I’d been standing at the corner of the street where the hotel was.

I don’t think I need to point out that the weekend obviously didn’t start out all that well. Fortunately I can laugh about my own foolishness, so chuckling a little to myself (and probably getting some odd looks in return) I went down the street to the hotel.

The hotel we stayed at was decent, although the room was tiny. (I’ve heard that’s normal in Paris though.) Breakfast was kind of boring, but that’s also normal at many hotels. At least the neighbourhood was quite decent with lots of restaurants, movie theatres and shops.

During the days we did lots and lots and lots of walking. (My feet still ache at the memory!) We didn’t get around to seeing as much as we’d have liked to, but at least we got a few things in.
Some of the things we saw:
– Notre Dame (Quasimodo, where were you?)
– Sacre Coeur
– Montmartre
– Galeries La Fayette
– Le Louvre (although we didn’t have time to go inside, will have to go again!)
– The Eiffel Tower (and it’s big…)

We saw a few more things, but those are the things that I can remember right now.

On the whole I found the trip to Paris very nice. We had gorgeous weather with 20 degrees two days making it feel like spring had finally arrived. (Until I returned home to the Netherlands at least…)

Otherwise I’m doing ok. I got a new job so I’m biding my time at my current one during my resignation period and waiting for my replacement to be found and start working so that I can train them. (Dance, monkeyboy. Dance!)

I got a week between the two jobs, so I’m taking the opportunity to go home to Sweden and visit my family. I’m looking forward to that very much. I got a really cheap return flight, so that’s great.

Ok, this is getting long winded so I better stop before I put someone to sleep. (If I haven’t already.)

Oh, I’m proofreading and editing my manuscript and I keep thinking it’s crap. I don’t know whether writers normally feel that or if it’s just me. Or maybe it really is crap. I don’t know. I still plan to get it as good as I can though and then I will send it off to some publishers and start collecting rejection letters.

And so the story ends…

I finished the book! I really did it! I’ve managed to write an entire book. Not bad, eh? Even if it’s crap at least I’ve written one, right? *lol* I’ve started proofreading and editing it now and every now and then I have to admit that I start to worry and doubt myself. What if it’s not good enough, is there any character development, do I portray them well enough? And so on.. and so on.. and so on.. Well, you get the drift.

Anyway, if nothing else I can pride myself of having written a book. Whether or not I actually get it published, well… that’s a different story entirely.

What else has been going on since last I wrote (I really should write more often, I know…) Well, today I got a new job *does a little happy dance* I start on April 25th and I’m really excited. It’s as a recruiter in a large, international organisation so it’s going to be really interesting and challenging.

I actually didn’t think I would get it since I didn’t feel that I did as well on the interview as I could have, but I was wrong and I did get it, so now I’m really happy. It’s Friday and I found out this morning so that was a really good way to start the weekend. I think I might celebrate tonight with eating some nice dinner. If I liked wine I’d celebrate with some wine, but since I don’t… Well, I’ll settle for the dinner =)

I’ve started following a new TV show (ok, new for over here at least, I think in the US it’s been running for a while already) called “Lost”, and I really enjoy it. I’ve also started watching “Desperate Housewives” which is quite amusing. Only because I’m waiting for Gilmore Girls to come back on… *sighs* I really like the Gilmore Girls… There’s something about the fast paced and witty dialogue that just pulls me in.

Next weekend it’s Easter and I’m going off to Paris for a few days where I’ll meet up with my sister. We’re staying at a hotel and since it’s my first time in Paris I’m guessing there will be quite a bit of sightseeing. Fortunately my sister can speak French so I’m not too worried about getting lost. (Cause else I probably would get lost… Don’t ask me how, but I would.)

Well, that’s all I can think of for the time being. I will try to keep updating this space. Not that I think anyone really cares about what’s going on in my life, but it helps me to keep track myself and maybe one day I can look back at this blog and think.. Hey.. I forgot I did that.. oh, and did I do that as well? *laughs* You probably think I should just get a diary, but it’s just not the same. Typing on the computer and accessing it from anywhere, it’s so much easier.

A good weekend to everyone =)

Where did the spring go?

Tuesday was March 1 and I was hoping for some nice spring weather. Instead I got snow. Well, thank you very much! It’s spring! Not winter! March = Spring. Is that so difficult to understand?

In the beginning of March 2005 the Netherlands got more snow than they had in the past 20 years. I would rather have had more sun than in the past 20 years. But maybe that’s just me. I hate being cold.

Then again, I rather have snow and cold than rain and cold. Or wind and cold. Or the worst; rain, wind AND cold. It’s very interesting because we have that a lot here. It means that you can’t use an umbrella because either the wind is ripping it inside out or the rain is being thrown in all different directions (and your umbrella only covers one).

If one can ignore the winter outside I guess I’m doing ok. I had a nice surprise when I realized that I only need to write another 3 chapters for my book before my rough draft is done. That was a nice surprise for sure (assuming I can squeeze the ending into 3 chapters *lol*). Then of course there will be a lot of editing, but I’m quite looking forward to the editing.

This weekend I’m going out with a friend. Tonight we’re going to a nice bar called Crazy Pianos which has live music, and tomorrow night we’re going to the cinema to see Constantine. Fingers crossed that both evenings will be good ones.

Begone evil fiend!

Hah! Defeat over the blank page at last!
Victory is mine!

The chapter was finally written and I’m so very glad to have it over and done with. Wrote chapter 21 as well (which did have some difficult parts… ie. my first love scene… I was blushing half of the chapter…!)

Been back in Sweden for the weekend and between visiting relatives and purchasing all the Swedish goodies I’ve not had for a while there’s simply been no time for writing. I will get right back to it this coming week though, and I’m still on my deadline since I have a personal goal of one chapter per week, and chapter 21 was written for this week.

Actually, I’m ahead of schedule since my final deadline is August, and I only have about 100 pages left to write *cheers* Difficult 100 pages… but only 100 pages nonetheless. After that starts the “real” work though of editing the manuscript, but I have to admit that I quite look forward to it.

Tomorrow it’s off back to Netherlands again. Have to admit I don’t look forward to it, except for knowing I can get back to my manuscript… I really want to finish it now and start the editing process. *fingers crossed*

A Blank Page

Do you have any idea how horrible it feels when you’re sitting there behind your desk staring at a blank page, and you have absolutely no idea what to write? Well, trust me, it’s not a pleasant feeling. Especially not after you just wrote five chapters without hesitating for more than a few moments at a couple of points.

Then all of a sudden it’s there. The blank page. It’s staring at you from the screen, all white and without a single letter written on it. (Except Chapter Twenty at the top, but that hardly counts.) It’s mocking you, telling you that your inspiration is gone and you’ll never get any further.

Ok, it’s actually not that bad… Interestingly enough I know what to write after this piece, I just don’t know what to write right now. I’ve come to the point where my two characters are getting married (they’re getting married already? you ask… Well… Yes! If I can figure out how to write it…)

Maybe I should skip this and get back to it later, but I have a feeling that if I do that I won’t be able to write it at all. So I’m sitting here, staring at that blank, white page mocking me with its lack of words.

Even with my panic during Chapter Six I didn’t have the page mocking me. Something’s gone awfully wrong here. What am I to do? It’s like a chicken race really… I stare at the page… The page stares at me… The first one to break down and start crying lose. I’ve not been beaten yet, but I’ve also not started writing anything yet.

How difficult can a wedding be to write? you ask. Well, you know what. A couple of days ago I would have asked the same thing. Now I know… It’s pure agony. I can’t even get the first word down.

I’m sure it’s different for everyone though. Maybe every writer has their own little terror that they don’t know how to write. Up until now I never would have thought that mine would be a simple little wedding. I was wrong… Very, very wrong.

Well… Back to staring at my blank, white page…

Life Goes On…

Isn’t that another song title? Anyway, I guess that pretty much sums it up. Life does go on… A little more empty and a little sadder (at least for now), but it does go on.

It’s been two months since last I wrote something, I just haven’t really felt like writing. But, let’s see… What’s happened since? Well, it’s now two months since my boyfriend broke up with me and I’m slowly regaining my balance. I went to Sweden for 1.5 weeks during Christmas and New Year’s and it felt very nice to see my family again.

Even with a broken heart I’ve managed to keep writing on my romance novel, and I can now proudly say that I’ve written half 🙂 So… Just another 200 pages to go *lol* Slightly terrifying thought, but I hope to make it.

I think what I’m mainly having at the moment is withdrawals. I feel a little lonely every now and then. I miss having someone I can be close to… Being slightly reserved as a person whoever I’m dating is usually my sole source of bodily contact… And I miss that contact. I miss having someone that will allow me to even just be close and cuddle. I miss kissing…

Well… I’m sure you get the point.

Maybe there’s a reason many people go for a rebound *lol*

My Happy Ending

I never thought I’d say this… but I can actually relate to one of Avril Lavigne’s songs… This is quite a lot like I feel…

My Happy Ending

So much for my happy ending

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh…

Let’s talk this over

It’s not like we’re dead

Was it something I did?

Was it something you said?

Don’t leave me hangin’

In a city so dead

Held up so high

On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew

And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

You’ve got your dumb friends

I know what they say

They tell you I’m difficult

But so are they

But they don’t know me

Do they even know you?

All the things you hide from me

All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew

And I thought we could be

It’s nice to know that you were there

Thanks for acting like you cared

And making me feel like I was the only one

It’s nice to know we had it all

Thanks for watching as I fall

And letting me know we were done

He was everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending.

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh…

It Hurts…

It’s almost been a week now, but the pain is still there. Not that I expected it to be gone any time soon, but it’s still frustrating. Everyone is telling me that I seem to take it so well, but that’s not really true, I just don’t show how I feel. I never really do…

I feel lost… adrift… without direction… I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do with my life, and now I lost a large part of that. The knowledge that I will never be able to hold him close or hug him or wake up next to him in the morning, or go to sleep with him by my side… It breaks my heart.

I keep feeling like I will never find someone else, don’t even know if I want to. But I guess that’s a phase and I will get over it. Or at least I hope so.

It just hurts… Thoughts and questions keep going through my head… Why didn’t he love me enough to stay with me? Did he ever love me? Did he stop loving me but never got around to breaking up with me? Was I with him and he wished I wasn’t? Is he relieved to be rid of me now? Why was I not worth fighting for?

This is my first weekend in my apartment… I used to spend my entire weekend at his house. It feels hard… I miss him… I just don’t know what to do with myself now that I’m alone….

I guess I always suspected that I loved him a lot more than he loved me, but finding out that it was true is a lot more hurtful than I ever thought possible.

Where do I go from here?

That is a very important question at this moment of time, I suppose. Yet I have no answer. I find myself at loose ends unable to decide what I want to do and where I want to go.

I moved away from home to experience another country and be closer to by boyfriend. I’ve experienced the country now for almost 5 years, and my boyfriend has broken up with me. So what should I do next?

Should I stay where I am, where I’ve got a job and a nice appartment as well as a few friends. Or should I return home to Sweden where my family is and try to make a life for me there. Or… Should I try another country all together? So many questions and so few answers. I really don’t know what I want to do.

I guess I was always hoping that this was it, I’d found the love of my life and we’d settle down together and I’d never have to worry about what to do with my life. Well, since that didn’t happen, I’ll have to make some decisions.

However, I’m still hurting, it’s only been like 36 hours or so… I guess I shouldn’t worry about these kind of things yet. But I can’t help starting to think about it, I guess I’m an incurable planner, I like having a good idea about where I’m going.

But for now I guess I better concentrate on being comfortable with myself, celebrate Christmas with my family… and then I can worry about the rest later.

When All is Said and Done

So it’s happened. Our relationship is over as per 2.30 am last night.

I guess I was kind of expecting it, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. After all, this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with… But apparently he didn’t feel the same way about me. I realise that considering that, it’s better that it ended, but it still hurts.

You can’t really escape the questions… Am I not good enough? Why doesn’t he love me as much as I love him?

The thought of never seeing him again, never hugging him or holding him close, never speaking with him, it breaks my heart.

But in the end, I hope he’ll be happy. That he’ll find the happiness he couldn’t find with me.

For myself I just have to take one day at a time to begin with. We’re less than 4 weeks away from what would have been our 5 year anniversary, that feels sad. I have to decide what I want to do with my life, because at this point, I really don’t know. I kept hoping that we could work out our difficulties and that we’d stay together. Now that I’m alone again, I have no idea what to do with myself.

There are many options, but at this moment neither seems enticing. I hope that as time progresses I will be more interested in something though, and maybe I can find something I wish to do.

Right now, I will concentrate on other things, try to forget the pain, maybe start buying Christmas gifts for when I’m going home to visit in a month. That’ll be good and hopefully help some… Seeing my family again.