Tag: random ramblings

Surreal

I don’t really want to write about it, because I’m so over-saturated by the constant bad/terrifying news of what’s going on in the world, but at the same time, I don’t want to ignore it.

What is happening in the world right now feels so surreal. I keep wondering if I will wake up soon and find it’s all some weird nightmare, but sadly I know that’s not the case.

We’re practising social distancing as much as possible. The boyfriend is working from home, the Imp and I have cancelled any play dates and are staying away from soft plays and any public places with a lot of people as much as we can. Obviously, we still need groceries, but I try not to have to bring the Imp anymore since I just don’t want her touching trolleys and things, then putting her hands in her mouth.

The hardest part is staying away from her (and my) friends. I wish we could have still met up just our three families, but at this point in the trajectory, it’s too risky. If one family caught it from somewhere, we’d spread it between all of us.

I feel cut off from my family. The plan was to go see them in June, and now I don’t know if that will happen. Part of me wishes I was back in Sweden rather than in the UK. Not because I think we’d necessarily be any safer there (even if it’s a small village out in nowhere, so at least there’d be plenty of space!), but because you want to be close to your family. Then again, if you’re not allowed to hang out with them anyway, I guess it doesn’t matter.

I’m sorry, I don’t know what my aim is with this post. I think I just wanted to put my feelings into words somehow. I hope you’re all staying safe wherever you are, and remember to wash your hands!

The Imp perfectly capturing what social distancing feels like.

Shameless self-promotion

When I next get a moment I will write a post about Christmas and New Year’s, but today it all about shameless self-promotion!

I don’t really do New Year’s resolutions, but I’ve set myself some goals for 2020. One is to finally revise my old manuscript and self-publish it to Kindle before the end of the year. (Still need to get cracking on this one!) The other is to start putting myself out there, as scary as it is… So I’m publishing some other material on Wattpad. (If you don’t know it’s a platform for readers and writers where you can publish your work and/or read others stories. Or just read, there are a lot of people supposedly who are only readers as well. You can either do it on their website or download their app onto your phone/tablet.)

So! I’ve set myself a goal of one chapter of a novella every Monday. It’s a fantasy romance novella called Bowstrings & Velvet. I will add the blurb below in case anyone is curious about my terrible writing. It’s Romance with capital R, and fantasy with lower case f. Just pointing it out. Definitely more internal conflicts/character-driven than big, sweeping fantasy settings. Basically it’s people falling in love but in a fantasy world. Still, it’s writing and I’m rusty. I need to start somewhere.

The idea is that there will be a bunch of novellas/short stories all taking place in the same fantasy world. They all take place after the big battle that usually culminates in a “regular” fantasy novel, where they usually end. These stories happen in what’s left of the world after the big bad has been defeated, as the people are getting back to a new normal. Just because you win the war/defeat the bad guy it doesn’t mean that everything is suddenly fine and dandy (demonstrated very well by the burning of the Shire, for those who read Lord of the Rings).

But I’m rambling now. (It is late and the Imp has been waking up a lot during the night, so my brain may not be at peak performance, I’ll be honest.)

Below is the blurb for Bowstrings & Velvet. And also for A White Rose, which is a short story in the same universe, also sort of in progress, so nothing is completed.

If you want to check Wattpad out, you can do so here.

Blurbs are hard, ok? I need to practice!

Chronic Fatigue and Motherhood

I’ve suffered from chronic fatigue (CFS) for a long time now, and I have periods when I’m definitely doing better – and others where I’m definitely doing worse. Same with my fibromyalgia. However, I always feel like I can cope better with the pain than I can with the tiredness and exhaustion. I realise that this makes me lucky in some ways, the fibro isn’t nearly as bad as it could be, and for that I am grateful. The exhaustion can be debilitating though. And somehow I decided that I would add a baby into the mix. (Well, technically a toddler by now.)

I will never regret having the Imp, I love her above all – but there are days when I feel like the worst mother because I simply don’t have the energy to do everything that everyone else does. There are days when we just hang out at home because I can’t contemplate leaving the house, I’m just too fatigued. Fortunately, the little Imp seems quite happy to potter around at home, wreaking havoc the way I imagine a small hurricane would.

For the last few years, I’ve managed my fatigue somewhat. I’ve been able to work full time, which has been a definite win, even if it’s been at the cost of some other things having to go. During the years I’ve noticed that I can’t have it all, I have to choose where to expend my limited energy. I can either do my hobbies, keep a clean, tidy home or work. The last couple of years I worked, and my hobbies suffered. (As for cleaning, I was somewhere in between. I managed to sort of keep on top of it, even if not perfect.)

Pregnancy was okay. I was exhausted, but I think even women with no previous health problems are exhausted during pregnancy. Especially if they, like me, work waking night shifts.

Then enter the Imp. I’ll be honest, the first few months after she came along I was doing great. Exhausted? Yes. But I don’t think any more than any other new mum (or so I like to think). My pain was nearly entirely gone. It was amazing. Maybe six months down the line the pain started creeping back though, and both it and the exhaustion has been getting progressively worse.

The Imp is 14 months old today, and yesterday I was so tired I just wanted to sit down and cry. I struggle with feeling inferior to other mums, who manage to care for their child, going out and doing things every day and keep a neat, tidy home. At the moment I can’t do either. I feel like I’m stuck, trapped in this body and mind that are sluggish and fatigued – all while the house crumbles around me.

There are so many things I want to do. I feel like I need to do. But I can’t bring myself to do them. I’m just so tired. All I want to do is sleep, it’s what I would have done in the past, but with a little one running around that luxury is beyond me.

For months the exhaustion has been getting worse and worse, the lack of sleep definitely not helping. The Imp isn’t a great sleeper, still waking up several times at night, and she won’t let anyone else settle her. Only I can get her back to sleep (I am also the only one that can get her to sleep when first going to bed in the evening). I’m not sure how to fix it. At this point, all I can think is that I need to rest. But there is no rest to be had.

Day at the beach when we had summer weather at Easter.

Ps. I’m sorry about the rambling nature of this post. I don’t know if it’s making any sense, and I’m quite honestly too tried to make it make sense.

Fun book!

For the Imp’s birthday my sister bought her a counting primer, and she quite honestly couldn’t have found a better one. Just look at it!

I’m a huge Pride & Prejudice nerd, and the Imp will be too one day (or I will die trying).
It has amazing pages like these ones.
I love this book so much.

Sick & Tired

Sometimes we just have bad days when it feels like we can’t catch a break. But in the end I can’t complain too much – there are many people out there whose lives are far worse than mine. I’m just so tired all the time – they’ve discovered that I have a B12 deficiency – and something else but I have no idea what the English word for it is… So at least I’m getting that treated, apparently it can take several months and even up to a year to get back to my old energy – but right now I’d settle for just getting a little bit back, just so I can do daily stuff like dishes and cleaning my apartment.

I hate how money is such a big problem these days. Thanks Sweden for giving me nothing when returning after having worked 7 years abroad. The whole EU thing with open borders and being able to move around and work without there being any problems is apparently bogus. I wasn’t given any unemployment benefits when I got back to Sweden, because apparently having worked for a UN organisation is the same as working in the US – cause you know.. the UN is American so it doesn’t count as Europe. What ever happened to the UN being worldwide? It’s Europe as much as anything else? Then when I was written off as sick I couldn’t get those benefits cause – hey, you’ve not been resident in Sweden and working in Sweden lately. Lovely. Thanks a lot.

At least I’m in some therapy and stuff that’s meant to help me get better and eventually back to working. So things are moving in the right direction. I just wish it’d be quicker – which is apparently part of my problem. I want there to be a button to push where everything is just fine and dandy again. Obviously it doesn’t work like that, but it’s what I’m looking for rather than learning to take it easy and one step at a time.

I hate how I get so easily upset. I hate how I don’t have the energy to do anything. I hate how my life is looking at the moment. I hate being tired all the time. I hate not having money for stuff I want to do/buy. I hate not being 100% healthy.

And in the middle of the mess that is my life I fear I’m falling for someone. And I really don’t think I should – cause where else can it lead than to being hurt and rejected or abandoned again? But how can you stop yourself from falling when you’ve already begun? If anyone has some suggestions, I’m happy to listen.

I’m very sorry about the whining. I guess it’s been a bad few days. On a happier note my brother Sebastian is visiting for a few days which is nice. On Monday my dad and the rest of the Örebro-family is coming to town, so I get to see them for a bit as well. It’s always good to see the family so quite looking forward to it.

Bad Day

Some days you just know you should never have left the bed. Though I guess it’s all part of the whole depression thing and all for me, but today has just been one of those days. I’m having a lot to worry about – something I might add I’m very good at.

Getting worried and frustrated because the move is getting closer – and don’t get me wrong – I really do want to move, I look forward to getting settled somewhere for a while and my new apartment is small but cosy. Not to mention that the garden is a huge plus. But all the packing… And with me having problems getting things done, it’s not working out very well. So I’m getting stressed. I want to pack, but as with most things I don’t seem to be able to just get going and do it. That’s one of the things I have the most trouble with accepting about this whole depression/burn-out thing. Not being able to do the simplest tasks.

Makes me feel like a failure I guess.

Also a bit worried that I may be in the process of falling for someone.. that I probably shouldn’t be. Yeah, I can worry about the silliest things.

I just get tired of my life having been switched upside down. It was all good, I had a nice job – a nice apartment… all that stuff… And then this happens. But then, I guess I did lack some social contact being so far away from my family and all. And as they say, the material isn’t what’s most important. Yet it does help a bit, doesn’t it?

Oh I don’t know. I’m just rambling today. Stupid, bad day.

Bleh

I’m terrible at writing blogs it seems, it takes forever between the times that I do update this. Anyway, let’s make a list of what has happened since the last time I wrote…

– My car got stolen
– I was put back on extended sick leave and medication due to my depression/burn-out
– We had Christmas! and New Year’s
– My car was found – crashed (still have to see if I can afford fixing it)
– I’ve been sent to see a therapist to help me get better
– I’ve taken extended leave from Uni since I’m incapable of studying at the moment

I think that’s pretty much it. Today is laundry day, not the most fun of days to be honest. I was annoyed though when I discovered that someone is using one of the two washing machines in the laundry room when I arrived for my scheduled time. It’s very frustrating since it’s my time and now I can’t do all my laundry 🙁

The thing about…

… depression.

I get irritated when family members say that I’m not depressed. I don’t sound depressed. They’ve known people who are depressed and they didn’t sound the way I do.

First of all… How do they know how I feel? Secondly, who says that one person who is depressed sounds like the next?

I’ve always been good at masking my feelings when it comes to these things, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, the doctor’s said I suffered from depression (and a panic disorder… but that’s not today’s issue) and I was on medication for it for quite some time, as well as therapy with a psychologist. I had a chemical imbalance.

My life is in shambles. I left everything that I had in NL and went back to Sweden since it was believed that I needed to be closer to my family (I felt very alone and isolated in NL and it was believed to be part of the cause of my depression).

Problem is, I feel like my life is still in shambles. I can’t seem to find my footing so I can move forward. I’m in one spot and not getting anywhere. Nor do I know how to get there. It’s driving me nuts.

I had a good job in NL. I can’t get a job like that in Sweden. So I’m going back to Uni to get my degree, hoping to at least get a decent job afterwards. But I’m not a good student – I never was. It’s not that I’m stupid – I just really really suck when it comes to studying.

Sometimes I wonder if perhaps the docs in Sweden took me off my medication a bit too soon, because there are days when I really don’t feel well. Other days I feel decent, but I never feel… I don’t know. Entirely well. I’m off-kilter and I can’t get back on course.

I get so tired of it all. Some days I feel like giving up. I just want to sit down on the floor and bawl my eyes out. But I don’t. Surely I don’t have to do that just to make people understand I’m not well yet? Why is it that everything has to be so obvious? I’ve never been an extrovert, I never will.. I will always keep things inside. I don’t like emotional displays.

I will not kill myself either. It is not me. Why is it that some people seem to think that you’re only depressed if you want to kill yourself?

I feel like giving up… Isn’t that the same thing?

But then… I do have some sort of fight left in me. Even if it’s weak most of the time. But I don’t want to give up. I want to make something of my life. I… I just don’t know what yet.

And I should know… Shouldn’t I? I’m getting old. I’m running out of time. And here I am… stuck in one spot… unable to move forward.

Dog Sitting

My aunt and her family are on vacation to Malta (damn, I wish I was on vacation on Malta!!) and I’ve been asked to stay at her house and take care of her dogs. Obviously I brought Bailey with me and we’ve been here for a few days now. We came Friday and are leaving again coming Sunday.

The dogs are a bit skittish since their family’s away, so there’s a lot of barking and stuff which is a bit terrifying when they do it late at night, really. But otherwise things are fine.

Tindra, the Grate Dane, is sweet and she will come up to me when I’m at the computer and put her head under my arm to make me pet her. All very cute, except she did it when I had a glass of Coke in my hand.. hehe

Other than that, I’m just struggling still with the whole school thing. I do want my degree, but I find it difficult to get into the studies. Also, I want to write, but I never feel like I have the time. I know I need to make the time, but I always feel devoid of energy and am so extremely tired. I return home from lectures at school and I just want to go to sleep.

I hope I can find some sort of routine soon, one which will allow me to study and write.

In the meanwhile, I just have to try not to freak out…

Back to School

Last week I started Uni again. I’m very nervous.

On Friday I have my first examination. I keep worrying that I won’t manage. I know I’m not a good study, I have a real problem sitting down and doing what needs to be done at home.

I really hope I can pull myself together and do this. Because I think it would be really beneficial for me in the future.